Clients...

Colleague - "*Vendor lead* – Go upgrade yourself.”

IM notes

Colleague 1: I want you to want to do it
Colleague 2: I want to take a nap, I want to eat ice cream all day long, I want some uninhibited fun time with Jessica Love Hewitt...
Colleague 1: Thank god I was on mute

Facilities

Me:  Do you have a minute to talk?  Just a minute because I have to go to the bathroom

Colleague 1:  My cube is not a bathroom.

Colleague 2:  Good to define scope.

Polish Food

Me:  You are always promising to bring us good food, but where is it?

Vendor Colleague: We were just in Canada and I was stopped for a search.  They were looking for kielbasa, you know, and I only have one.

Flexibility

Contractor: Am I right in assuming you want your service to be more flexible?  Like dealing in points, miles, toenails.

Contracts!

Vendor:  We'd like to make sure we have a say in who you assign your responsibility to

Me:  We're a large company.  Not many companies are going to buy us and we're not likely to be spun off.

Vendor:  We just want to be protected if you are bought by a porn company.

Sales...

Colleague 1 : telephone rings..."this is ----...hello hello"....

Colleague 1 (again):  picks up dials cell phone; work line begins ringing...... "this is ---- ..hello hello...." OH MY GOD I JUST CALLED MYSELF!!!